another week in my life...

So this week I’ve been struggling a lot with the fact that the pain may never go away completely and that life might be like this forever. It’s something I’ve struggled with before but the struggle has been a lot more intense this time. I just keep finding myself wishing that God would just take me now because that would be easier…but I think that God must want me here for a specific reason in order to keep me here in all this pain, and I’m excited to know what the reason is but the fact that I might not ever find out is rather difficult accept.

I’ve also been struggling with different pain this past week and a half or so…up until fall break, I’d never had such intense sharp pains in my hips and what made it worse was that it was shooting down my legs. It was really difficult to deal with because it was so distracting…distracting to the point that, when I met with the guy in the academic enrichment center, he noticed and asked me if something was bothering me and he doesn’t even know me hardly at all!!! And then this past weekend I went to a seminar/conference thingy in Indy with my roommate and her roommate from last year…and the thing was about Christians dealing with suffering and that kind of stuff. It was pretty good but I was so spaced out because of all the hip and leg pain that I feel like I missed the point to some degree. But I did get something good out of the trip to Indy because I met a girl who’s probably close in age to me who has fibromyalgia and it was really good to meet someone who knows what I’m dealing with and who knows that it’s not all in my head. We exchanged emails and hopefully we can encourage each other when stuff gets bad.

I have just one more thought to share with you…and that is that I was listening to this song today (it’s called  Mountain of God by Third Day), and it kept repeating and I finally understood the point of the song and that’s in this part of the song:

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

It’s at the part where it says “Now I realize the truth/That I must go through the valley/To stand upon the mountain of God.” Yeah…I must go through this valley…to stand upon the mountain of God…that’s the point! I have to go through this…if I want to reach the top of the mountain or whatever the big wall-ish thing is that hedging me in on all sides. I have to go through it though not around it or avoid it…I have to go through it…right through the middle of it…that’s the point of the song…and I finally got it…now I just have to go through it. Prayers are appreciated!