i'm scared...

So today I just now finally realized that all my updates have just been statistics and not about the biggest part of the problem…I’m scared…I keep sleeping to see if I can sleep it off…I don’t think I’ve stopped crying inside in the last several weeks…and now I can’t stop for real…I don’t know what happened tonight…I just can’t seem to stop. I’m falling apart so much that I don’t know if it’s possible to pull myself together again any time in the near future…and I wish I could…I mean on the outside I may look fine…but really I mastered looking fine on the outside a long time ago…it’s not even all that hard honestly…but I’m tired of looking fine on the outside because it hurts. I’ve kept thinking that I wasn’t hurting anyone by looking like I’m fine on the outside but I think all along I’ve known it wasn’t true…I feel like a walking disaster and it’s pretty much almost true…I think I might have officially cracked…yep very possibly. Right now the voices in the hallway are comforting…as are the crickets outside my window…but nothing seems to take away the hurt and achiness inside…the longing to not hurt anymore…the longing to be able to just live life by the moment and not have to think and decide what activity is or is not worth the pain that it brings during and after the fun…the longing to be feel normal for once…the longing…
Oh, and a new development, who knew that doing laundry could wear a person out so much that they would actually need to take a nap in between getting the laundry started down in the basement and getting it in a dryer, and then again before taking it out of the dryer, and then again before folding it. Why? It doesn’t make any sense…it used to be easy…now it takes all remaining energy plus some…it’s just a normal part of life…and the clothes get wrinkly in between removing them from the dryer and folding them…ugh…will life ever be normal again?
Another update: so currently I’m trying to find a position for my neck that doesn’t make it hurt and also doesn’t make something shoot pain through my jaw…it’s confusing I know…I’m confused too. I don’t get it…this headache has lasted since around 2pm…which was over 8 hours ago and it’s still driving me nuts…I need a shower but the loudness of the shower combined with the water hitting the top of my head and me scrubbing my hair which is required while shampooing it…duh…also requires my fingers to come into contact with my head causing even more pain…there’s no easy task anymore…it seems.
Ok so the headache ended up lasting all night and all the next day until late in the evening when it finally went away. Yeah, I’ve updated this several times because of how much I haven’t wanted to be this honest with ya’ll but also with myself. Actually posting this would mean that others would know how I’ve been feeling lately and I’ve barely even let myself face how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s an inner struggle and probably a fear as well…being too open…or letting others in…it’s a frustrating situation. But I think I’m finally now going to just force myself to post this…I’ve basically kept this open in a document at the bottom of my laptop computer screen for this last week or so…which is why everything’s punctuated and capitalized correctly…just fyi. Ok…here goes…